How to have an orgasm
I’ve never had an orgasm?
Whether you’ve read that it’s 70%, 75% or 80% of women and people with vulvas, who do not reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone, the message is definitely clear that the majority of women achieve orgasms through solely or mainly clitoral stimulation. This doesn’t mean though that your partner should be rubbing your clitoris for England. The clitoris is a wonderful, sexual organ that sometimes feels like it has a mind of its own. So what and where is the clitoris? The visible part of the clitoris is located just above the vaginal opening. There is more to the clitoris than the little visible bud though. The other parts of the clitoris lie on either side of the vagina, deep behind the vulva and has approximately 8000 sexual nerve endings. This means that massaging these areas too, can create an arousing sexual experience.
So, the clitoris often requires the right type of physical stimulation in order to build sexual excitement, in a way that works for you. This might require rubbing the clitoris hood, the sides of the labia majora, as well as direct clitoral stimulation, as the sexual excitement increases.
Is that all it takes to have an orgasm? Well, not quite. You need to be in your body. What does this mean? How many of us have had sex and found ourselves thinking about items on our ‘to-do’ list or replaying a conversation we had with a friend earlier? How are you able to really experience the pleasure / sensations of physical touch, if your mind is distracted with non-sexual things? How can you zone into the physical sensation of being touched, kissed, and caressed...when your brain is working in a different way – a non-sexual way!
Also, ask yourself these questions. Do I feel emotionally safe with the person I’m having sex with? Can I be my true, authentic self? Did I experience ‘good sex’ or was I simply sexually performing?
If you find it difficult to let yourself be vulnerable when having sex, for fear of judgement or criticism by your partner, your body and mind may be unable to enjoy the moment, and do what it needs to do to build sexual energy and ultimately have a great sexual experience.
Of course vibrators and various clitoral stimulators can do wonders for stimulating your clitoris and helping to release the sexual hormones required to start the sexual arousal process, but if your sub-conscious mind is screaming I DON’T FEEL SAFE, then there may be very little you can do other than listen to that inner voice and help it to feel safe. If you’re putting yourself under pressure to be the best sexual ‘performer’, or you’re distracting yourself with other thoughts, then you’re not ‘in your body’, feeling and experiencing the physical sensations and enjoying the moment.
If your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty, this may not be the sign of sexual arousal, but that your body is being pumped with adrenalin caused by stress or anxiety.
My top three tips to having an orgasm are:
1) Practise meditation. There are some great free ‘intimacy-based’ meditation sessions that you can find on YouTube. Learn to be ‘in your body’. Listen to the rhythm of your heartbeat, notice the physical sensations in your body, relax your body and mind.
2) Try solo-fun first. Touch yourself in a way that is sexually stimulating. Use sex toys if you wish. What can you do to create a ‘safe’ space for your body and mind? Sexy music, the scent of Ylang Ylang aromatising your room, turn off phone notifications etc.
3) Talk to your partner outside of the bedroom, about what you do and don’t like in the bedroom. Do you prefer oral sex? If so, how would you like your partner to do this? What kind of pressure do you enjoy? Do you want them to look at you when they are performing oral sex on you, or would you prefer that they didn’t? Should they lick, suck, or kiss your crown jewels or massage your inner thighs whilst doing this?... Without this level of detail, how will they get it right?
Not sure what you enjoy, what you really enjoy? Then take the time to explore. But most importantly – Have fun!